Can I just say how SICK and TIRED I am tonight with ventilators/trach tubes and the rest of this? It has nothing to do with my love for our daughter and yet it has EVERYTHING to do with my love for her. It has been a long 3 years for her. She has struggled in ways I have never known. Tonight, she is down at Children's and is incredibly sick. I am home as I was up with her last night and need to try to sleep for a bit in order to care for her in the morning. I HATE that I am not with her but thank Scott so much for getting into the ambulance and going with her. It's an awful feeling when your child reaches out for you out of the ambulance and you have to watch her drive off knowing she is crying and just wants her Mama.
I am just DONE!! I am tired and overwhelmed. I need to sleep. Mostly... I am just praying for the Lord's protection over all of us and for a moment of rest.
In Him, I find peace. Even when feeling the way I do right now, I know HIS will is perfect and that, while being frightened, I can give it all back to the Lord. Not hang on to my feelings but trust that even if I am not there, God is ALWAYS with Ali (and all of my children and each of us). I just wish I were there too...
What started out to be a place to dump all of my worries related to our daughter Alicen is now a place about our family. Our life is crazy but it's what we know. Thankfully, we know Jesus Christ is in it all!
Friday, November 9, 2012
A three year old with piggy tails!
When Ali was so sick and in the hospital that first year, I would stand by her crib and imagine what she would look like at age 3. I would picture her in little jeans, a stylish little shirt and her hair swooped up in the sweetest pig tails. She made it to age 3 AND she looks just like I imagined her. It's pretty amazing to see the Lord work so clearly and see His miracles day after day. Really, they are all around us; God's miracles. But I don't think I took the time to seek them out or notice them before meeting Ali. I'd see the BIG ones but I missed out on so many of the little ones. Three years later, I am thanking the Lord for the 6 miracles in mine and Scott's life. Who knew one little person could help in re-shaping the way I view the world, my children and myself. I am a better Mama and wife because of the Lord placing Ali in our lives.
I can't wait to see how all of our children grow over this next year. I just wish my older ones would give me "permission" to write about them as often as I write about Ali. They're getting older and want their "privacy". Too bad. There is so much GOOD STUFF to write about them! =)
I can't wait to see how all of our children grow over this next year. I just wish my older ones would give me "permission" to write about them as often as I write about Ali. They're getting older and want their "privacy". Too bad. There is so much GOOD STUFF to write about them! =)
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Fear is a funny thing...
God tells us specifically that we have nothing to fear. Isaiah 41:10 has been a verse I cling to and ponder consistantly. "10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness". I know I need not EVER fear, but lately, fear has been creeping into my life like a dark cloud.
The weight of it at times is so heavy, I feel as though I need to simply sit down. Fortunetly, the Lord gave us 6 children to care for, so sitting is something I don't do a lot of. I believe God specifically granted us so many children as they are the reason I rise each day and keep going at times.
Ali has had a really rough 10 months. Life seems fine and then she gets slammed with a simple cold. It knocks her out, brings on awful mucous plugs and plugged trachs. It throws her into asthma attacks and sends us running to the hospital. All of this has been crazy but nothing compared to the last month. It's been tough. Sometimes, downright awful.
For the last 3 weekends in a row, we have had serious complications related to Ali's trach. Each time it is somewhat unexpected and each time I want to scream a little louder that "I am DONE, Lord! Let's move on... PLEASE?!?!?" This last weekend, the circumstances surrounding her trach issues were complete preventable and resulted in the termination of one of Ali's nurses. It was frustrating and I am always left feeling bad after removing a nurse from our home.
But what I hate even more is being left with this awful, nagging, heavy fear. I HATE thinking of my daughgter as unstable, unpredictable and a bit scary to me. She is our sweet baby girl. Someone that should not be feared but loved on and without abandon. I notice that instead I am more cautious with her. I am at times, even frightened to be left alone with her. Not because I cannot handle the sitautions but because I am UNSURE of what new situations may arise. Scott and I FIRMLY believe Ali is safe in our home and that the Lord's hand of protection is on all of us. We also know that God has a plan for each of our lives and that because of this, we should NOT fear any of this. But it's complicated. It's so complex.
The thought of loosing Ali. Of her death. It's unspeakable. I can't begin to consider it. I want her HERE!! I want her to move past all of this stupid trach stuff and grow into the body that I see SO MANY other kiddos in her VERY situation grow in to. She has had a VERY crummy start to life simply due to poor choices. She deserves a shot at her life. Yet, this is also where I am wrong. God does not make mistakes. He allows free will, but Ali's life and the circumstances are NOT a mistake. If the Lord wanted Ali's life to look any different, it would. I can't pretend to understand it all, but I DO know that my love for our daughter knows no bounds. Yet Christ loves her EVEN MORE than this.
If I profess to love the Lord with all my heart; with all of my soul; with all of my might than shouldn't I also TRUST Him and the plans He has for my family? Should I carry this burden of fear with me? Drag it along side of me? No. I am wrong to fear this life. To fear these circumstances. To fear the unpredicability of our daughter.
God is doing amazing work and growing our family in ways we have NEVER known. I think of who our children will be as they mature. I wonder what how this experience is impacting their life and the imprint it is leaving on their hearts. I PRAY they grow into strong men and women for Christ and see how the Lord has carried us. How he DOES carry us and will CONTINUE to carry us. I pray that I hold on to the truth and let go of my own fear.
I am thankful that the Lord knows my heart. I am thankful that He chose Scott and I to be Ali's parents. I am thankful, that in the moments I am the most afraid, God is right here, holding me; holding my husband; holding my children. We are never alone and nothing in this life is EVER surprise to Jesus Christ.
The weight of it at times is so heavy, I feel as though I need to simply sit down. Fortunetly, the Lord gave us 6 children to care for, so sitting is something I don't do a lot of. I believe God specifically granted us so many children as they are the reason I rise each day and keep going at times.
Ali has had a really rough 10 months. Life seems fine and then she gets slammed with a simple cold. It knocks her out, brings on awful mucous plugs and plugged trachs. It throws her into asthma attacks and sends us running to the hospital. All of this has been crazy but nothing compared to the last month. It's been tough. Sometimes, downright awful.
For the last 3 weekends in a row, we have had serious complications related to Ali's trach. Each time it is somewhat unexpected and each time I want to scream a little louder that "I am DONE, Lord! Let's move on... PLEASE?!?!?" This last weekend, the circumstances surrounding her trach issues were complete preventable and resulted in the termination of one of Ali's nurses. It was frustrating and I am always left feeling bad after removing a nurse from our home.
But what I hate even more is being left with this awful, nagging, heavy fear. I HATE thinking of my daughgter as unstable, unpredictable and a bit scary to me. She is our sweet baby girl. Someone that should not be feared but loved on and without abandon. I notice that instead I am more cautious with her. I am at times, even frightened to be left alone with her. Not because I cannot handle the sitautions but because I am UNSURE of what new situations may arise. Scott and I FIRMLY believe Ali is safe in our home and that the Lord's hand of protection is on all of us. We also know that God has a plan for each of our lives and that because of this, we should NOT fear any of this. But it's complicated. It's so complex.
The thought of loosing Ali. Of her death. It's unspeakable. I can't begin to consider it. I want her HERE!! I want her to move past all of this stupid trach stuff and grow into the body that I see SO MANY other kiddos in her VERY situation grow in to. She has had a VERY crummy start to life simply due to poor choices. She deserves a shot at her life. Yet, this is also where I am wrong. God does not make mistakes. He allows free will, but Ali's life and the circumstances are NOT a mistake. If the Lord wanted Ali's life to look any different, it would. I can't pretend to understand it all, but I DO know that my love for our daughter knows no bounds. Yet Christ loves her EVEN MORE than this.
If I profess to love the Lord with all my heart; with all of my soul; with all of my might than shouldn't I also TRUST Him and the plans He has for my family? Should I carry this burden of fear with me? Drag it along side of me? No. I am wrong to fear this life. To fear these circumstances. To fear the unpredicability of our daughter.
God is doing amazing work and growing our family in ways we have NEVER known. I think of who our children will be as they mature. I wonder what how this experience is impacting their life and the imprint it is leaving on their hearts. I PRAY they grow into strong men and women for Christ and see how the Lord has carried us. How he DOES carry us and will CONTINUE to carry us. I pray that I hold on to the truth and let go of my own fear.
I am thankful that the Lord knows my heart. I am thankful that He chose Scott and I to be Ali's parents. I am thankful, that in the moments I am the most afraid, God is right here, holding me; holding my husband; holding my children. We are never alone and nothing in this life is EVER surprise to Jesus Christ.
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